Tuesday, March 23, 2010

An Abusive Home (Part I)

I wasn’t sure where to start this blog or even how, but I will start with my home life first, the blogs will be out of order of which it happened in my life, but here I feel is where I need to start first as this is what I am dealing with now as a mother myself.

I am the middle child out of my mothers children. There are three of us. My older sister and I have the same mom and dad, my younger brother has the same mom but different dad. My father left when I was 8 months old, he seemed to love his alcohol more than my sister and I. When he drank he was severally abusive. I couldn’t even crawl yet and while he was beating my mother my sister only 2 years older than I would pull me under the bed to protect us. I am sure some how she saved my life, with all the physical abuse that went on. He would get so angry when he had been drinking, you couldn’t even recognize him. He was a good man when he was sober and he loved us girls, just not enough to put down the bottle and pick us up instead. My mother became a single mom of two girls and some how we made it. My mother got knocked up by some other guy when I was about 4 and after having my brother when I was 5 for some reason she never could show me love the way she showed it to my sister and brother. I was always the odd ball out. I never got the attention I needed, I never even got the love I needed. I struggled with school, with everything actually because I didn’t *feel* loved. I never got hugs and kisses like they did I was always the bad child, the demon child. I was always being punished.

When I was only a year and a half I got spanked for walking across my mothers freshly mopped floors. I was just a baby! Somethings had happened to me (that I will later explain in another blog post) that was hard for me to cope with on top of the way my mother treated me. I acted out because I was too young to tell her what was going on. At the young age of 7 my mother told me she was going to sign me away to the state because I was too horrible of a child and too much for her to deal with.

Could you as a mother EVER tell your child that?! If you could/have I will tell you right now you must not love your child/ren the way a mother should. I could never ever in my life say something so horrible and so damaging to my son. Do you really care? Do you really love them? How do you speak to your child in such a manner?!

She threatened to give me away to the state uncountable times. Never once did she ever peep a word to my brother or sister about such things or ever talk to them the way she talked to me. I was always treated different like there was something about me or in some way resented me for something completely out of my control.

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