Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mourning a Loss

I’m at a point of mourning. Its been two weeks since the “loss” of my mother. Even though it was my choice and she is very much living, I feel in my heart this is absolute. Therapy has become intense and we have reached a core, it’s brought up these feelings I have been covering for far too many years. Your made to believe “blood is thicker than water” and that no matter what your family does to you, you suck it up and deal with it because it’s family and no one will love you like family. Frankly all of that is a bunch of bull shit. My mother was supposed to love me unconditionally and she couldn’t ,her love only comes with conditions for me. A mother is supposed to protect her young and care for them and she couldn’t do that either. I am so incredibly angry, hurt and sad about everything. Yes it’s my choice not to have her in my life, maybe that makes me selfish because I know there are people in this world that would do anything to have their mom in their lives. I don’t regret my decision in fact after hearing a fight between my mother and brother this past week over though phone while I was talking to my brother I KNOW I made the right choice for my family and I but it doesn’t make it any easier.

After all that I have been through I thought nothing really could affect me anymore but I was wrong. This whole thing has damaged me. I feel like damaged goods. I feel so broken, and while I try to glue the pieces of me back together I have no one to hold the pieces up for me. It’s all on me. I have never been so hurt by one person in my life. Through the sexual and physical torment by others I have always powered through some how. I remember thinking at the age of 12 “God” had only put me on this earth for the sick use of mens pleasure, that I was worth nothing else because every man I should have been able to trust broke it by laying their hands on me as a child, but yet here I sit at the age of 20 and I feel nothing. I’ve dealt with it. It wasn’t easy and it landed me in the hospitals many times but today it no longer bothers me. Yet my mother is what consumes my life while putting these toxins in my life.

I can’t even tell you how many times I have apologized to my husband for treating him the way my mother treated me. Every time he tells me its okay and that we’re going to make it through this. It’s not fair to him, he is this amazing man that deserves no less than to be treated the way he has showed me kindness and understanding. It’s so hard to break this cycle because while I would never in a million years treat my son the way my mother treated me I find myself doing it to one of the people I love the most. I will break this cycle one day some how. I know I am bigger and stronger than this.

I’m hoping one day soon, I’ll find peace and tranquility in everything I do. I can’t even remember the last time I felt peace over my mind, my life and inside me. How long is it okay to grieve this loss of mine? Death or no death this IS a loss and it hurts. I know nothing besides death is absolute but I feel it deep inside me that my mother’s and I’s non-existent relationship now IS absolute. I have never been unable to forgive but this time it’s just not inside me. I am tired of being damaged goods and hurt all the time. I am sick of being disappointed I can no longer bare this pain any more.

I remember going to church as a teen sitting in the pew in tears because I didn’t understand how this spirit who I didn’t “know” could love me unconditionally yet my mother could not. She always used the devil and her religion against me. To her I was this demon possessed Satan’s daughter that needed to be “rebuked” I now can no longer sit in a church without being completely and utterly disgusted. I can’t even have peace with my faith, whether I am an Atheist or a Christian or whatever I find no comfort in anything. I hope one day sooner than later preferably I find comfort in something because I really would like *something* to lean against.

While I close a chapter in my life and start writing a new one this is one chapter thats difficult to transition from. I’ve been sucked in for so long something has to give and this time it won’t be me. I won’t put up with it anymore.

I promise to love myself unconditionally even if no one else will.

I promise to love my children unconditionally because I can do nothing short of that.

I promise to only search for my approval from now on.

I promise to cry when I need to because it does myself good.

I promise to keep the toxins out of my life not only for myself but for my son and husband.

I promise to break this cycle one day, and take it one day at a time because it’s just like an addiction.

I promise to do the best I can for my son

I promise to mourn my loss and take it one day at a time.

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